Every Victim Needs a Villain

I was thinking about how upset I was when I found out the shooter is going to be released.

How in the world would they let that happen to my kids?

All of the evidence was right there.

Testimonies and all.

As I was driving home, I was trying to create the ‘perfect’ words to tell the kids.

I don’t want to blindside them at court, so I might as well tell them we are screwed right now.

Then I thought about when I give them this information would I be considered the villain or victim.

Telling them this information in an angry tone, with sadness and crying could be portrayed as a victim.

If I tell them in a way that they should just allow the justice system to be what it is and there is nothing we were going to do about it. I could be portrayed as a villain.

What a dilemma.

How many times mommy, have you looked at the death as a reason to turn into a victim?

Talking to everyone about how bad this situation is? How the world is crazy?

The perpetrator for sure is the villain and you are the victim.

That was me.

THE VICTIM

Then I decided I wanted to be a survivor and not the victim.

THE SURVIVOR

I wanted to teach my kids how to do the same.

It was a mind shift.

Wanna Learn How?  —– Click this link  Chit-chat to go from Victim to Survivor to set up some to chat with me when you are available. A quick chat will get you from Victim to Survivor!!!

Know Who You Are

Who are you?

How do you identify yourself?

Who do others say you are?

All valid questions right.

Now how much have you really put into answering those questions?

I’m not talking about the practiced elevator speech but really who you are as a person today.

Coach Monaye, who are you?

I am a mother of two kids.

I am a woman who lives in integrity.

I am an example of a mom who helps her children process grief and trauma.

I am a badass! Like really.

I choose daily how I want to feel and I do really hard things.

I fail often and I fail forward.

I overcome obstacles and prepare for challenges.

I am the Ish’ because I SAID SO.

I am a Life and Grief Coach who loves to give value to all I encounter.

I help Mommies, I help Kiddos, I help Fathers, I help the WORLD.
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IT’S EMPOWERING TO SAY IT OUT LOUD
IT BECOMES ALIVE EVEN MORE WHEN YOU WRITE IT DOWN
IT MAGNIFIES WHEN YOU SHARE WITH OTHERS

Soooo WHO ARE YOU??????

Comment below, post it on my FB page or Email Me.

Talk to you soon

What Are You Most Afraid of for Your Kids?

Immediately after the murder of their father, I feared my children would reject God.
….they would reject God because the murder happened to someone who was minding his business and not bothering anyone.

I compared the death to someone who had chosen to place themselves in harm’s way.

You know, a person that is involved in gangs, drug life, violent acts towards others: oh they will get what they deserved.

My thoughts were completely misplaced at the beginning of this journey.

He wasn’t one of those people.  He was a gentleman who just wanted to live and raise his kids.

He was just a mona who wanted to find laughter in tough situations.

NO ENEMIES — UNEXPECTED — COWARDLY ACT
 
Now back to the rejection of God. I taught them about prayer and the love of God.
I didn’t want to tell them the religious old adage
You Lost Your Earthly Father, But You Will Always Have Your Heavenly Father”
 
It’s not that I don’t believe it, I just didn’t believe it would help them in that moment of grief.
But eventually, I did.
One child rejected prayer and the other rejected me.
My fear became reality at least in my eyes.
Over time their relationship with God was evident to me again.
the interesting thing was their individual relationships with God was strengthened on their own without my additional meddling.
Once I stopped thinking about
Fearing it
It was strengthened.
What are you overthinking and fearing in your child’s life?

Let’s chat at no cost to you simply click HERE to chat with me.

ARE YOU AFRAID TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR BAD CHILD?

 *A trusting father gave his young son a tomato plants. He told him, I am giving these to you to grow. I am going to show you verthing you need to know ONCE!

Everyday this summer you’ll take care of these plants.

And for every one that dies, I’m goig to punish you.

Wow. That sounds soo harsh, Right!

The father continues: But for everyone that give you but juicy tomators, I’m gonna kiss you!

The father explains to the son: Sometimes you’re gog to doeverything right, exactly the way I say and it’s still gonna die.

And I’m still gonna punish you.*

As a mom of kids with trauma, I often wonder should be ‘soft’ on my children.

Am I really helping them when I know the choice they made was not properly thought through or an act of rebellion against someone or something (rules)?

They have already experienced trauma so do I ignore the act or do I respond as I would have they not have experienced the trauma??

And what about the times they make the correct decisions and follow through exactly as they should and something does not turn out the way it should have?

The father in the Netflix series Bad Blood was attempting to teach his child the way of the world.

Sometimes things will not respond the way you thought they would have however you still have to take responsibility for the end results.

Mommies do we teach our children this?

Do we ‘sweeten the deal’ and say everything is OK?

I raise my hand and say I have done both.   Let’s talk about the results from both.

*”Home is Where the Gun Is.” Bad Blood. Netflix. Simon Barry. 2017. Performed by Paul Sorvino. www.netflix.com

TAXES ARE DUE

So in the United States, it’s the tax deadline.

We have to complete paperwork and e-file or mail-in that forms to attest to income earned and taxes paid.

It can be a daunting task depending on which forms you have to fill out and which state you live in. yada yada yada.

Here’s the thing, deadlines are needed and important.

As a mom, I have to enforce deadlines in my house for all kinds of things.

What time the kids need to wake up and when they need to be in bed.

When rooms need to be cleaned.

The time homework needs to be done.

Time of prayer and time of fasting.

It is not always easy being the enforcer of deadlines but it needs to be done, so I do it.

Which deadline is harder for you to enforce with your kiddos?

Coach Monaye

Change is UNCOMFORTABLE

In the talks of being born, this is a very active month in my life.

Many of my loves have holidays this month.

I am a person that really like to talk about arrivals, new things, and changes.

In my mind, I think of new adventures and get completely scared.

Have you been tasked with a new opportunity at home, work, community involvement and completely freaked out?  😳

Yeah; me too!

I have found out that I have to choose to be uncomfortable to get over the ‘freaked out’ moment and actually get some stuff done.

To be very transparent, writing these blogs freaks me out. I am sharing with everyone out loud! Very loud. LOL 📯📯

What feeling do you get when there is something new or different you have to do?  What is the feeling you have when you are challenged with difficulty?

Let me know and if you want to chat about HERE, click here so we can chat.

Talk to you soon,

Coach Monaye

Happy Holiday to ME

OMG, my holiday is in 2 days.

If you saw the last post you are aware my son holiday was 1 week ago.

When I was pregnant with him I was high risk. I was on bed rest more than once and as a young mommy, I didn’t follow the rules.

Instead, I chose to disobey the doctors order the first time which prolonged the bedrest order.

I wasn’t worried.

I was getting paid 60% of my regular pay so it wasn’t like I didn’t have money coming in.

Of course, the baby was going to be fine but there is no way I can lay in this bed for 3 weeks.

They finally released me back to work and on my next visit, they put me on bed rest again.

This time I chose to take it seriously.

I decided my health and my son’s health was worth it.

I begin to think about the exclaimed concerns my doctor had.

It became very important to me.

Upon release the second time and the next visit the results were better.

but

some things had already occurred.

He was required to stay in the hospital until he could breathe on his own.

The day before my birthday, they stopped allowing me to purchase the room as it was needed for other new mommies.

I had to go home without the boy.

They rolled me out with all of the gifts, clothes, and plants for him but no him.

On my birthday I went to the hospital, happy to see him and he did something he had never done before.

He breathed his first breath on his own. he could come home.

He is a man now. And each year after we celebrate his holiday I get to celebrate his life all over again. 2 holidays in one day.

What Fun!  What is a memorable moment of your child’s life you always tell?

A Child Was Born

I remember when the doctor told me, it was indeed not ‘an abundance of flatulence’ but was a new baby to be born in nine months.

I spent a few hours pondering how this love was going to forever change my life and his dads. We were not married and I was young, a statistic in fact, but I knew it was going to be challenging.

It didn’t change my mind, I was going to have a baby.

This day also reminds me of my son’s father who was murdered.

Yes, I said it.

I did not say he died.

I did not say he was killed.

I said it he was murdered.

On this day I get the chance to celebrate the life of one and the memory of another.

Do my son talk about him? No not anymore.

So why is it hard for me on this day?

It’s because I choose to think about him and the lovely memories we shared together.

I choose to make these tears of joy of a life lived.

I choose to think of his life being fulfilled to that day.

Will I ever know what other things he may have achieved on this Earth? No!

But I know I can choose to remember him exactly as I do on this day every year.

What do you choose to think on special days that are linked to the murder of someone you loved, knew or heard about?

BE A BETTER YOU!            BUT HOW??

Truly what is the definition of better?

I’ve come to realize its all based on how I want to evolve.

Have you really thought about evolution and what it has to do with you?

Last year was emotionally charged for me.

A couple of deaths, new business ventures, changes in employment, mothering at a higher level and weight among other things.

I made the decision to pay attention to my mind in January 2018.

Let me just say my mind went into a frenzy.

I paid close attention to its fears, suggestions, desires…..

And you know what, I found I could totally choose how to defeat my fears.

I used to think they had a hold on my me.

I would pray to God to remove them and I know he was helping but I still needed to do my part.

My part meant I needed to PUNCH MY FEARS IN THE FACE.

I have to think differently, I had to choose my own destiny and that’s what I did.

I got out a pen and paper and wrote down my fears and what I thought about each then choose a different thinking pattern.  I retrained my brain.

SAY WHAT, SAY WHAT

Yes, it’s true I retrained my brain.

You want to do it too??

Let’s chat at no cost to you simply click HERE to chat with me.

Coach Monaye – Brain Re-Imagined

Refresh or Renovate?

 

Sometimes we need or want a change
 
Something to look different.
 
To put a twinkle in your eye
 
That’s the way I think about mental health in regards to grieving
 
We have options nowadays:
We can choose therapy with a licensed mental health provider.
I really like that option, especially for individuals who are nonperforming
We get a chance to talk about the past, relive the memories of what occurred with
With the loved ones that are no longer here.
We get to learn tools to keep us functioning.

 

What happens beyond that stage and space?

 

This is where I see grief coaching.
We deal with the future you.
We talk about how you are living with this grief 1 day, 30 days, 3 months, 30 years from now.
We get the tools to take our grief from functioning to evolving.
We get to renovate our current thoughts around grief.

 


 

It’s akin to deciding what to do with the kitchen.

 

A couple of years ago I did a refresh. I painted the walls a new color, switched the knobs on all of the cabinetry, tightened all screws on all appliances, added a clock. The kitchen was refreshed and newer.   
REFRESH = THERAPY

 

This year I am going to replace everything.
I will get new appliances.
I will get new cabinetry.
The walls are going to stay the same but I am going to hang some pictures.
The structure of the kitchen is staying the same but all of the old things that have been
Around for decades are going to get replaced with something new.

 

RENOVATE = COACHING

 

Are you ready to renovate your grief?  Click HERE to find out how.

 

Talk to you soon,
 
Coach Monaye